CUT-THE-CABLE.COM

On June 2^nd, 2010 Comcast COO Steve Burke was let out of his cage and allowed to speak at the“All Things Digital Conference”. I love it when Comcast lets Steve speak in public. He is like the Joe Biden of corporate America…you never know what he is going to say but you can always be sure that it will be very “telling”.

This is a Big F#$%ing Deal, Right Pres?

His first comments have to do with the proposed Comcast/NBC Universal merger. He says that Comcast isn’t looking to get rid of NBC Universal’s movie studios or theme parks, saying that all of its parts are part of a good media company. [Translation: "Look out NBCU employees, sell-offs and layoffs are on the way"]

“Our modus operandi is not to sell things,” Burke said noting that all of NBC Universal’s many businesses make it “well-rounded.” [Translation: ”A Theme Park? What were they thinking? I'll bet we can get a few bucks from Six Flags for that dog”]

However, while he said that content and distribution can make for a good marriage, he said that is only the case if they are actively brought together well. “They don’t work together unless you make them work together,” he said. [Translation: “This whole merger thing is all about Price Fixing folks so get ready to see your cable bill go even higher as we rake in the profits”]

As for the company’s traditional distribution business over cable, Burke said he is not worried that Americans will choose to give up subscription television in favor of Hulu and other alternatives.

“There’s very little evidence people are giving up their subscription television,” he said. “All these other things are complementary.” [Translation: “We've paid Millions to marketing gurus to come up with package deals that insure our customers wont dump cable TV in favor if Internet programming. And if they try to, our Internet Management team will will send out RESET packets to cut off their connections to HULU and other content sites.  That's just what we did with that BitTorrent traffic and the FCC couldn't do anything about it. This is what Comcast calls Responsible Network Management.”]

One of the audience members [a Comcast shill] asked about the company’s efforts to police its high-speed Internet use.

“It’s very important to us that we provide really reliable, very fast Internet service,” he said. “We believe in an open Internet…That having been said, you need to make sure that the network is run efficiently and well.” [Translation: “We could give a RATS ASS about an open Internet and if you read our customer Terms & Conditions you will see that we can block & filter traffic all day long (just because we can) and you don't have a thing to say about it.”]

Protecting privacy and copyright, he said, are also important aims,” he said. “It’s very, very complicated. You walk this fine line trying to make sure the highway is not jammed with cars.” [Translation: “We OWN the highway Bee-otch, and we own the Tow Trucks that will clear away any traffic that is not generating revenue for Comcast.”]

Another questioner pointedly told Burke that a lot of his customers hated the company because of its service.

“You don’t get it right all the time,” he said, but said the company has spent hundreds of millions on both its system and customer service.

“We are clearly getting better,” he said. “It’s a competitive world. If you don’t take care of your customers, they will go somewhere else.” [Translation: “Clearly, we couldn't care less because in most markets we are the only option available, and where there IS 'so-called' competition you will find very little difference in the pricing or service offerings. So as you can see, the whole playing field is rigged tighter than a crooked casino. The dice are loaded. We've sliced up the whole U.S. map and negotiated territories with the other cable giants just like a scene out of 'The Godfather' and I'm Don frigin' Corleone! You need your ShowTime Crack and HBO heroine and between all of the Good Old Boys that are in the business of supplying you with your drug of choice, we'll make sure that you pay the price. Customer Service! Ha! Real customer service is an unnecessary expense that eats into our bottom line so don't hold your breath.”]

Yeah, we get it Steve. DAMN YOU'RE SMOOTH!